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The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8086 (April 16, 2012)
GUESTS: Bonnie Raitt
SEGMENTS: Secret Service Sex Scandal| A Beautiful War for Women | Newt Gingrich & Gun Rights
EXCLUSIVE: "Angel from Montgomery"
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White shirt | Bold, black, navy, & white horizontal stripe
VIDEOS: Monday, April 16, 2012

Be sure to check out the Web Exclusive on Colbert Nation: Bonnie Raitt and Stephen sing a duet, “Angel from Montgomery.”

I was really excited to see that Bonnie Raitt was going to be on the show; I agree with the Rolling Stones reviewer, she is vastly underrated, and still sounds great after a career spanning decades. I thought it was awesome how she greeted Stephen by saying “You make life worthwhile,” because that is exactly how I feel. Stephen and Bonnie sang a beautiful duet, with a chemistry and level of comfort that seemed as though they were old friends.

This episode also featured amazing graphics, with one of our President “protecting” the Secret Service from bloodthirsty Columbian prostitutes, and another depicting something called “Camrytoe.” The jokes were big and bold, particularly when Stephen made a Treyvon Martin related “hoodie” reference at the end of the segment on Newt Gingrich.

Well, cuddle up with your favorite firearm, and enjoy the quotes and caps below.

What did you think of the episode? Sound off in the comments.

Secret Service Sex Scandal

If you know me, you know it is not often that the news shocks me. Last time was when I watching CNN in the tub with the TV balanced on the edge.

President Obama just returned from an economic summit in Columbia. Huge waste of taxpayer dollars. He was already in the District of Columbia, seems a little redundant.

No, Jimmy I seem to recall another story that was, shall we say, “mas caliente.”

[caption id=”attachment_12305” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Yes. The Worst (Secret Service Scandal.) And I don’t think that statement is overblown at all. “”][/caption]

I gotta tell ya, I feel somewhat responsible here. The Secret Service was here last week to protect the First Lady. And like anyone who gets close to my virility, they obviously got their manhood jacked up. It’s called being manjacked. Now I don’t know if it was the same team that was here, but it wouldn’t be the first time a visitor to this building had to seek profession relief after being here. (Referring to Elliiot Spitzer.)

I just want to say, Bonnie Raitt, you’ve been warned. Find a legal outlet, hot yoga, or whatever you girls do to blow off steam.

[caption id=”attachment_12306” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“This is clearly the President’s fault. We know it’s the job of the President to protect the Secret Service. I mean, where the hell was he when those prostitutes came at him? He swore an oath!”“][/caption]

Because now, not only does America owe billions to China, we owe $47 to a Columbian prostitute. A prostitute your grandkids will have to pay for.

A Beautiful War for Women

Nation, if you look at the news, you know that Republicans and Democrats are at each other’s throats again, after they’ve lifted up the jowls to find them.

…and at this point who can remember who enacted reproductive health restrictions in 36 states including transvaginal ultrasounds?

[caption id=”attachment_12307” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“It’s like asking, which came first, the chicken or the egg. Incidentally, that chicken better not be on the pill, you whore! Why did she cross the road? ‘Cause she’s a whore. They don’t tell you that, you don’t learn that in school.”“][/caption]

But out of this debate there has emerged one thing that both sides agree on: that women exist. I mean, they are all over the place. It’s like all of the sudden, every other person I see is a woman. And it turns out they can vote, 90 years now.

That’s why this ugly war on women has turned into a “beautiful war for women.”

[caption id=”attachment_12308” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Yes, Ann Romney, a woman, is right. Women are special. All women. All equally special. “”][/caption]

The point is, women are the big prize this year, and both sides are fallopian in-it-to-win-it.

[caption id=”attachment_12309” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Not to be outdone, the Romney campaign has put out stickers reading “Moms Drive the Economy.” And they are also appealing to lady voters with the female version of Trucknutz, the Camrytoe. Protects the grill, keeps bugs out of it and stuff. “”][/caption]

I agree with Ann Romey, you [women] are all special, as unique as snowflakes with breasts, which I’ve always said is the only way to improve on a snowflake.

And to show my utter she-preciation, I have given one lady staffer a free make-over… I didn’t change a thing, because you’re all perfect just the way you are.

[caption id=”attachment_12311” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“I’m sorry if I am getting choked up, it’s just I am so emotional about Obama’s loose, permissive atmosphere of international hooker-banging. “”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_12312” align=”alignnone” width=”575” caption=”“Now that I have validated the half of humanity by acknowledging that you exist, I guess there is nothing left to do but pass on my pair of traveling pants. Because we are all sisters now. “”][/caption]

Newt Gingrich & Gun Rights

I hope you had a great weekend - mine was a blast, in that I spent it with people who love to blast things. I was down at the National Rifle Association’s annual meeting in St. Louis, not to be confused with the decades-long gun show in East St. Louis. It’s a four-day celebration of guns for the whole family!

…and for the kids, games like “Pry the Gun from Charlton Heston’s Cold Dead Hands.”

…a star studded line up of gun-loving Republicans, and Mitt Romney, who, to be fair, does own a pastry gun, so his chef can defend him from un-rosetted cakes.

Yes, the right to bear arms is a preexisting condition - so don’t expect insurance companies to cover your gunshot wound.

[caption id=”attachment_12314” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Amen, Brother Newt. Guns are the work of an omniscient Creator, why else would they perfectly fit into a human hand? Just one more reason why we should be a God-fearing nation, He is packing heat. But Newt saved his newtliest idea for the end. “”][/caption]
What a beautiful vision. Won’t you help Newt bring firearms to war torn Africa?

But it’s not just the Third World. In 2009, weapons deprived England had 41 gun homicides. But if we arm everyone in the country, I know we can put a zero in that column. After all, the same year, we had over 9,000 gun homicides, that’s 3 zeroes.

But I have to say, Newt calling the NRA timid, is a bit of the potbellied calling the kettle black, because his own proposal for arming everyone on earth is kind of weak on gun rights, the man called for a colony on the moon, and yet nothing about lunar gun rights?

[caption id=”attachment_12315” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Oh, oh, oh, why, you are saying, why would I need guns on the moon, Stephen? Might I remind you, a crescent moon is nothing but a moon wearing a hoodie.”“][/caption]

Interview, Song, & Duet with Bonnie Raitt

Stephen: Everyone in the building is so excited to have you here.

Bonnie: You make our life worthwhile, Stephen.

SC: I shout that into a mirror every morning.

Rolling Stone writer Anthony De Curtis said that you are vastly underrated. What do you want next, to be in the baseball Hall of Fame?

BR: I think I’ve been pretty lucky. That’s sweet of him to say.

SC: He says however great you are, people don’t know how great you actually are.

BR: I paid him to say that.

SC: Really?

[caption id=”attachment_12317” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”Stephen was just a country girl who loved herself a cowboy.”][/caption]