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The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8120 (June 28, 2012)
GUESTS: Aaron Sorkin | Emily Bazelon
SEGMENTS: Cable News Gaffe on Obamacare Supreme Court Ruling | John Roberts as Obamacare Swing Vote | Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument | Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument - Emily Bazelon | Sign Off - Colbert Super PAC - Super Fun Pack Treasure Box Finder
SUIT REPORT: Grey suit | White shirt | Dark blue / white stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, June 28, 2012

Cable News Gaffe on Obamacare Supreme Court Ruling

We gotta get straight to the big news rocking the country.  A decision that will have repercussions for virtually every American because this morning Ann Curry left the Today Show.

[caption id=”attachment_874” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] It was a tearful moment for everyone. Followed by six recipes to turn your tears into a refreshing summer cocktail.[/caption]

Of course there was one other big decision today. For months we have waited for the Supreme Court’s ruling over the constitutionality of Obamacare and the Individual Insurance Mandate and this morning, we got the news we wanted.

(Various clips play with newscasters announcing that Obamacare has been ruled unconstitutional)

[caption id=”attachment_894” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] No. It. Has. Not… You. Suck. At. News.[/caption]

Oh!  What a novel idea!  Read the decision before you open your mouths and break a man’s heart.  ’Cause evidently, folks, evidently there’s more to a Supreme Court ruling than just the first page.

(Various clips play with newscasters announcing that Obamacare has been ruled constitutional)

[caption id=”attachment_895” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] …Thank you.[/caption]

So, evidently my colleges in cable news jumped the gun.  Well, that happens to the best of us.  I mean just look at last week’s Colbert Report Book Nook:

Alright, uh, it is, uh, 11:05.  We are waiting on the book.  Any moment I expect-  Okay, and the book’s just in. The just book’s- It’s, it’s a Tale of Two Cities.  Classic, Charles Dicken’s novel.  Let’s get right to the story, folks.  I’ve- okay, I’ve got it right here.  Here we go:  It was the best of times.  There you have it folks.  Breaking news from page one.  It was the best of times.  Now, while we don’t have all the information there’s clearly joy in one of these two cities.  We don’t know which two cities yet.  It could be Minneapolis/St. Paul, we’re checking on that. Once again, out top story tonight:  Times are best.  But could they get better under a Romney presidency?  We’ll have more with our panel later. Once again, the details are still emerging but all we know, for sure, right now is that “it was the best of times, it was the worst”- oh.

[caption id=”attachment_891” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] I have not been that embarrassed since I endorsed Leo Tolstoy’s epic novel, War.[/caption]

John Roberts as Obamacare Swing Vote

[caption id=”attachment_881” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] Of course, folks, the most shocking aspect of all of this is who stabbed us in the back, then provided coverage for our stab hole.[/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_882” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] J Rob! How could you!?! I trusted you! Where’s the man who said unlimited corporate money was speech? Where’s the man who voted against equal pay for women? I don’t even know who you are anymore.[/caption]

Nation, this is the worst betrayal since Benedict Arnold teamed up with Judas to stab Caesar right in the croutons.

Folks, I am not the only one who’s had their man crush crushed.  Republican congressman and Georgia peach, Phil Gringrey said of Roberts:

[caption id=”attachment_885” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] Are you happy Justice Roberts? Now Phil Gringrey is gonna have to spend another night drinking alone.[/caption]

And, Georgia, friend of the show, Georgia’s Jack Kingston was even more crestfallen, tweeting:

[caption id=”attachment_887” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] Well, if it’s any help Congressman: Phil Gringrey’s looking for someone to drink with. And you know what? F*@k it! I might join ‘em. Look, why not? Why not? My liver’s covered now. I mean, if I don’t get cirrhosis I’m losing money.[/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_888” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] We were fools. Roberts always been in Obama’s pocket. Think about it. He’s the one who single-handedly made Obama president and come to think of it- Come to think of it folks, what kind of name is John Roberts? Where’d he grow up? Indiana. Oh, isn’t that nice. That sounds suspiciously close to Indonesia. Where Obama ate that dog.[/caption]

Plus, what kind of American sits around in robes all day and calls himself a chief?  I heard on Drudge that his middle name is (makes “clicking” noise of the KhoeKhoegowab language).

[caption id=”attachment_890” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] That’s it! I’ve had it. I’ve had it. I’ve had it. I’ve had it.[/caption]

Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument

[caption id=”attachment_879” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] Folks, saving the mandate and calling it just tax is a disastrous government overreach!.. Oh yeah! I’ve said it before, he is going to make us eat broccoli. You know, funny, cauliflower isn’t covered. Maybe because it’s white. Yeah, I went there. Somebody had to say it.[/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_878” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] This activist ruling opens the flood gates folks! If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax then there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom in a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy. And you know his buddy Roberts will make it all good by calling it a homomexual marijuana love glove sun tax.[/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_876” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] Oh, don’t fool yourself, it’s coming folks and so is rationing medical care. They’ll cover your colonoscopy but you’re going to have to share it by joining a human centipede. So goodbye freedom![/caption]

But you know what, folks?  Uh, I may be a little bitter right now but, uh, my momma always said, if life hands you lemons make something out of them.  I forgot what it was.  Pie?

[caption id=”attachment_877” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] The point is, there is one bit of good news to report… Nation, the Supreme Court has upheld Romney Care. Thanks to the model Governor Romney provided in Massachusetts, millions of Americans will now be able to afford health insurance for the first time. He’s lifted a burden from so many families and finally brought America up to the standard of every other industrialized nation in the world. Thank you, Mitt Romney! But you know what, folks? This guy is so humble, I bet you will never hear him take credit for it.[/caption]

Obamacare & The Broccoli Argument - Emily Bazelon

[caption id=”attachment_871” align=”aligncenter” width=”500”] Folks, now that Obamacare has been ruled constitutional many questions remain. For instance, what? Here to tell me what is Slate Senior Legal Editor, Emily Bazelon[/caption]

Stephen: 

Emily:Stephen:

Emily:

Aaron Sorkin

Stephen: I’m watching the show.  I’m enjoying the show.

Aaron:  I’m glad.

Stephen:  Okay, thank you very much.  I live to please you.

***

Aaron:  I was going to say, we- we shoot our show on the exact same stage they shot The Monkeys.  Um, and we’re after the same thing.

Stephen:  Really?

Aaron:  Yeah.  Our goals are the same as theirs.

Stephen:  Here you come walking down the street?  Get the funniest looks from-

Together: Everyone you meet.  Hey, hey-

Stephen:  It’s the newsroom.

Aaron:  That’s right.

Stephen:  You know your characters, the characters on your sh- You’re often criticized because your characters speak in these ponderous monologues.

Aaron:  Stephen, I’m just often criticized.

Stephen:  Yes, you are.

Aaron:  O-Okay?

Stephen:  But people often say that you don’t write the way people talk.  That people don’t actually talk to other people in fusillades of arguments.

Aaron:  Right.

Stephen:  In like, sort of a verbal Normandy that just overtakes not only the person they’re speaking to in the other chair but the audience that’s listening and that the person who’s saying it is actually just an expression of you, up on a mountain.  But is it Moses on the mountain top?  Or just Aaron Sorkin on his own pile of bullsh*t and he doesn’t have the golden tablets in his hands.  He’s- he’s just doing a line off the tablets, right there and saying, “Look at me!  I’m the f*@king king of media.”  People don’t talk like that!  You realize that’s not realistic?

Sign Off - Colbert Super PAC - Super Fun Pack Treasure Box Finder

Well, that’s it for the show everybody.  We’re about to take a two week break but before we go, this spring I introduced the Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack to empower today’s youths.  Now,  it came with a treasure map.  Well, folks, I’m happy to say the treasure box has been found.  Inside was an email address the winner could use to contact me and claim their prize.  Ladies and gentlemen please welcome treasure finder Daniel Stough.

Stephen:  Thank you so much!  Well, congratulations, congratulations.  I hope it wasn’t too hard.

Dan:  It was ridiculous.

Stephen:  It was, yes.  And you found it in what town?

Dan:   Uh, Dixon, Illinois.

Stephen:  The hometown of?

Dan:  Ronald Reagan.

Stephen:  That’s exactly right, Ronald Reagan.  Sir, here is your treasure.  An antique, silver turtle.  It’s a bell in the form of a turtle.  It’s great for attracting women if you’re into getting it on with a female turtle.  Okay?  Now, I also said that I would visit the college of whoever found the treasure.  So, Daniel, why don’t you tell everybody where I’ll be going this fall.

Dan:  You’ll be going to the University of Pittsburgh.

Stephen:  Woo!  It’s in driving distance!  Goodnight everybody, we’ll see ya in two weeks.  Enjoy your health care!

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, EVERYBODY!!! HAVE FUN AND BE SAFE NATION!!!