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December 16, 2013 — Jonah Peretti

EPISODE NUMBER: 10037 (December 16, 2013)
GUESTS: Jonah Peretti | Gregg Allman | The National
SPECIAL GUEST: Billy Crystal
SEGMENTS: Intro-12/16/13 | Google’s Robot Acquisition | NSA Video Game Surveillance | Stephen’s Grammy Nomination – Billy Crystal | Sign-Off: Silver Bells
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Red Diamond Pattern Tie
VIDEOS: Monday, December 16, 2013

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The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8081 (April 5, 2012)
GUESTS: Anne Rice
SEGMENTS:   Bad News About Good Unemployment News | Colbert’s Very Wanted - Manatee Mailbox | Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel | Anne Rice  | Sign Off - Lincoln Tunnel
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Red/white/blue striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, April 5, 2012



[caption id=”attachment_11826” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I like it!”][/caption]

Bad News About Good Unemployment News

Notable Quotables

  • Martha!  I thought we were friends.
  • If only someone could bring us back to earth… and then keep going until we’re six feet under… and it would help if he resembled a conniving funeral home director.

[caption id=”attachment_11763” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Nation, you know, I believe that America’s greatest days are ahead of us. That’s why, every so often, it is important to remind ourselves: No they’re not. ”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11764” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Because otherwise Barak Obama might get credit for it. So you can imagine how I felt this morning when I turned on Fox News only to face my worst fear. Good news.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11765” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”A lot of us are working very hard to remind America that this man is destroying our country but then you and Happy Hammer come along with your pretty green arrow and take a big sunshine dump on our rain parade.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11766” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Thank you for that perspective, Stew. Things are getting better but they’re not getting more better any faster. Just the same amount of better, which is worse.”][/caption]

Well, I want to echo Stew Varney’s sentiments and remind you, it’s always brightest before the dusk and the fragrance of the sweetest blossom carries with it the first whiff of decay.

Even the perfect infant cradle in your arms will one day grow old and die.  And your friends won’t be there to comfort you because they’ll be dead too.

Remember the good times and more importantly, remember that they are over and can never happen again.  Ashes, nothing but ashes.

The happiness you feel today is merely the plateau from which you will soon plummet.  And during that free fall, you will remember that you left the stove on.  Barak Obama.

Colbert’s Very Wanted - Manatee Mailbox

Notable Quotables

  • That is why I’m introducing a new segment that punishes criminals by talking about them on TV.
  • But which is it?  A boy or a girl? (Denise:  The mailbox went both ways.  Male and female.)
  • Mr. Manatee was stripped… naked!

[caption id=”attachment_11807” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Now, fortunately, there’s more bad news because crime rates are soaring. Somewhere. Probably. Especially gun violence. It just keeps going up no matter how many guns we buy! *whispers* I don’t understand!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11808” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”These are manatees. Noble, haunting, lethargic. As beautiful as they are endangered. But you might know them better by their street name: mailboxes.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11809” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Yes, frozen in place these novelty mailboxes bring years of joy to owners and passersby alike. That is, until things go terribly wrong.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11810” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Owner, Denise Hasty, told us about her box.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11811” align=”aligncenter” width=”550” caption=”Emergency workers were poised to respond. (Denise: I never called 911.)”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11812” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Neighbor, John Anthony, recalls coming perilously close to going outside. (John: I was like, wow and I wanted to go out but I was watching TV…)”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11813” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I was coming home from work and I drove by and the next thing I know, I see the manatee doesn’t have a head and you know, I just, I actually had to stop the car and back up and look. And that’s when I’m like. “What the f*@K!?!””][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11814” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”So what could have caused this innocent manatee’s head to blow off? This was a job for the SVU. Sea Cow Victims Unit.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11815” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Ballistics Expert, Peter Diaczuck: What we have in front of us is a twenty year old manatee or indeterminable gender that has been blown apart by a small explosive device.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11816” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Forensic Psychologist, Dr. Stephen Reich: It is obvious that the person who did this wants to demonstrate that ‘I have tremendous power’… They want to demonstrate to an inanimate object ‘I have power, I am potent, I am big, I am strong.’”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11817” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I had to find a pattern and finally here it was, 2001, a case in Fort Meyers Florida with our sicko all over it. Doris the manatee’s skirt was pulled down.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11818” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”This is Mr. Manatee. He’s the one on the left; Joanne Heckman is on the right.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11819” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Joanne later received the crumpled Santa suit, along with this hand written note. Exactly the kind of clue that could break this case wide open. (Handwriting analyst, Roger Rubin: It reads, “To the Heckmans from the Grinch”)”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11820” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”The manatee mutilator is a highly trained, very intelligent person, as well, and clearly with criminal intent.”][/caption]

Stephen: Yes, but we were closing in on him.  Right?

Dr. Reich: No, not necessarily.  I think this is actually very, very hard person to, quote “catch”.

Mr. Diaczuck: I don’t think you’ll be able to catch this person.

Forensic Scientist, Lawrence Kobilinsky: But until that happens, I think manatees are going to be in great danger.

Stephen: So lock your doors America because no matter where you are, as long as it’s mid-south coastal Florida and you have a manatee mailbox, the mutilator could strike at any time.

Dirt Bike Badass in the Lincoln Tunnel

[caption id=”attachment_11793” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Nation, if you watch this show you know I’m a journalist 24 hours a day, including when I’m asleep. Which is how I scooped the competition with my recent expose”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11794” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”And my quest for the story extends to my morning commute. Today, as I was driving through the Lincoln Tunnel, I captured a story of hope with my iPhone.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11795” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of commuting through the Lincoln Tunnel, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine taking two hundred and fifty thousand jelly beans and pouring them through a single, drinking straw. Where all the jelly beans are pissed because they’re late for work.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11796” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Well, today I was one of those jelly beans. Stuck in bumper to bumper traffic and this is true, when a guy on a dirt bike blew by my car poppin’ a wheelie in the Lincoln Tunnel.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11798” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Then, he changes lanes and he looks back at me like, yeah!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11792” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”And I’m like f*@k yeah! Whoo!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11797” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”So he pops another wheelie! This guy is a total badass! I mean you can get a ticket for changing lanes in the Lincoln Tunnel. Clearly America is back ladies and gentlemen.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11799” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”This, this, this huge, huge balls, stick it to the man, live free or die attitude has been a vital part of this country ever since George Washington jumped the Delaware.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11800” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Only problem, he didn’t stick the landing. That’s how he lost his teeth”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11801” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Folks, this Lincoln Tunnel guy is the spirit of America! And so am I because was I focusing on the road? No! I was video tapping See See Rider here and guess what. Guess what! The cops can’t touch us. We’re under the Hudson River, I believe that’s international waters. You can gamble down there. This guy certainly was.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11802” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Now, at the end of the tunnel Mr. Dirtbike dropped back and asked me to text him the video from my phone but I forgot your area code. I didn’t write it down because I was driving and video tapping and writing would have made it dangerous.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11803” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”So I hope that broadcasting it will be acceptable instead and by the way, my name is Stephen Colbert and I have a television show.”][/caption]

Anne Rice

[caption id=”attachment_11822” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”My guest tonight has a new novel called, “The Wolf Gift”. Quick tip, remember to keep your wolf gift receipt.”][/caption]


Stephen:  …Now, you have a new novel called, “The Wolf Gift”.  Now, I assume from the title, this is about a wolf who learns the true meaning of Christmas.

Anne:  No, no, actually he just learns how to be a werewolf…

*

Stephen:  Wait, Ruben Golding, is he Jewish?

Anne:  Well, actually, no, he actually isn’t Jewish.

Stephen:  He’s not?

Anne:  But he might be, his background, I haven’t gotten into the back-story of the ancestry yet.

Stephen:  Oh, really? Cause I’m not sure if man flesh is kosher.

Anne:  Well that would be a problem because he definitely does get carried away and he does eat man flesh.

Stephen:  He does eat people.  Now, this is a problem for him.

Anne:  Well, he has-

Stephen:  I hope this is a problem for him.

*

Stephen:  Okay, here’s my problem.  I read all your vampire novels.  I loved em.  They, they, you know, they, uh, I felt.  I felt after I read Interview With a Vampire, the first one, I kind of felt like I, I, my mouth was full of blood.  Honest to God, from reading it.  I’m not sure whether I should recommend it to my brother.

Anne:  Well, I was going to ask.

Stephen:  I did I recommended it to my brother, I’m like I gotta let you know I kind of feel like I’m a vampire now.  And, but what I liked about those is that these people are damned!  It’s not a happy experience for them. And I don’t like about the modern were- the sparkly, uh, vampires you got now, is it’s all just glamour, glamour, let’s get married.

Anne:  Yes.

Stephen:  Do you feel like these, these newer vampire novels pervert the, the good story of vampires?  It’s a deal with the devil.

Anne:  Well, I don’t know if it is a deal with the devil.

Stephen:  Really?

Anne:  I think, kind of, vampires are a metaphor for all of us.  The outsider.

Stephen:  Vampires are obviously a metaphor for gay people.  What are werewolves?  Werewolves are Hispanics? Or-

Anne:  No.

*

Stephen:  Can we talk about outcasts for a second?

Anne:  Sure.

Stephen:  You, madame, very famously, uh, re-embraced Catholicism about a couple, ten, fifteen years back.  Right?

Anne:  I did.

Stephen:  And, uh, you said your not going to write any more vampire novels.  You’re all, you know, Christian at this point and, uh, how long’d ya do that?

Anne:  Twelve years.

Stephen:  Okay, now, you are no longer a Christian.  Correct? No longer a Catholic?

Anne:  That’s right.

Stephen:  Okay, now, you realize, you were a Catholic long enough to know that you are going to hell, right?

Anne:  Yes.

Stephen:  Okay, you’ll have plenty of monsters to write about first hand when one of them’s jabbing you in the hiney with a red hot pitch fork.  You realize that?  Red, hot, iron, coffin for all eternity.  You are a heretic!  You are a heretic!

Anne:  Maybe that will happen.

Stephen:  Maybe!

Anne:  And maybe it will not.

Stephen:  No maybes about it baby!  Oh, really?  Oh, really?

Anne:  Maybe there is no hell.

Stephen:  Oh! Sure!

Anne:  Maybe there is no devil.

Stephen:  Maybe there is no devil.  Maybe there is no hell.  Coin toss.  Oh, heads.  I win.  Tails, you lose the biggest thing you can: your immortal soul.  Why?  Why would you risk that Anne Rice?

Anne:  I don’t think I’m risking it Mr. Colbert.

Stephen:  You could be wrong!

Anne:  I really don’t.

Stephen:  You could be wrong.

Anne:  I could be.

Stephen:  Okay, why not weigh a doubt against a certainty and believe?

Anne:  It’s not a certainty for me.

Stephen:  It is!

Anne:  No, it’s just not a certainty at all.  I don’t, I can’t believe the Christian belief system.

Stephen:  Really?

Anne:  I can’t believe there is a devil who goes around the world just trying to get people to commit sins.  I can’t imagine the psychology of the devil.  I can’t imagine what his day is like.

Stephen:  You can understand the psychology but you can understand the psychology.  He’s busy!  He’s been very busy with you, I can tell.

Anne:  No, he hasn’t.

Stephen:  You can’t understand the psychology of the devil, a historical figure, but you can understand the psychology of a werewolf and a vampire?

Anne:  Fictional figures, yes, I can.  I can.  Absolutely.

Stephen:  Alright, okay.  Whatever lets you sleep at night. Now, have you though about combining all your different novels?  Vampires, werewolves, and Jesus?  Because, what about Jesus, who is a weresavior and he has to fight a vampire Judas.

Anne:  No, I would rather pass on that.  I would, I would like to pass on that.  I have done two novels about Jesus that I put my heart and my soul into.

Stephen:  You don’t have a soul.

Anne:  I did at the time.

Stephen:  You did at the time? You should go looking for that thing.


Sign Off - Lincoln Tunnel

[caption id=”attachment_11804” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I will see you in the Lincoln Tunnel, motorcycle man! Goodnight!”][/caption]

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8078 (April 2, 2012)
GUESTS: Gary Johnson
SEGMENTS:  Intro - 4/2/12 | Colbert Super PAC - Super Fun Pack Treasure Hunt | The Beefstate Governors | Yahweh or No Way - Christian Card Counters, Pope Benedict on Marxism & Pope Cologne | Gary Johnson | Sign Off - Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Black pin stripe suite  |  Light blue shirt  |  Navy tie /light blue stripe
VIDEOS: Monday, April 3, 2012

Intro - 4/2/12

Tonight, trouble in the beef industry: the mortality rate among the steers is frightening.  Then, the pope pays a visit to Cuba.  I bet he’s scouting short stops for the Cardinals.  And my guest, Governor Gary Johnson was a republican candidate and is now a libertarian candidate.  Next: Manchurian candidate.

Colbert Super PAC - Super Fun Pack Treasure Hunt

Notable Quotables:

  • I’ve always said America’s colleges are an incubator of imaginative ideas. For instance many students imagine that college will help them get a job.
  • Now, since then this limited edition kit has been ordered by nearly 400 college students who will soon be starting Super PACs at their college, university, or correctional facility.
  • As the leader of a Super PAC you’ll need strategic political advice. The kind I get from Ham Rove.  He has all the brains of Carl Rove with half the sodium.

[caption id=”attachment_11618” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”So not to be out bolded, I introduced an even bolder new idea: The Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack! Now, if you did not catch the show last Thursday, no doubt you’re thinking just one thing (Brad Pitt in Seven, “What’s in the box? What’s in the f*@king box?”).”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11619” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Now we were, we were going to include Gwyneth Paltrow’s head but we lost it. Thanks United Airlines! Oh, gate check it, it’ll be perfectly safe. Ridiculous!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11620” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Order now and you’ll also receive this actual secrete decoder ring to crack super secrete PAC messages. What messages? Well, that’s for me to know and for you to karf fnarglezox.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11622” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”…In each and every kit I am including Ham Rove’s protégé, Hamlet Rove. Okay, this is an actual one pound canned ham who will advise you right up until the election or until you get the munchies at 2 am.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11623” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”So, go to ColbertSuperPAC.com and begin taking wads of money from trusting people without promising any results. Just like your college does.”][/caption]

The Beefstate Governors

Notable Quotables: 

  • Well, now the anti-business word wizards have a beef with beef.
  • Incidentally, pink slime may contain traces of brown back.
  • Yes, it’s time to end the smear campaign though full disclosure, pink slime may also contain traces of smear.
  • But that’s not the whole story, some of it is also poured into a glove to form the Hamburger Helper.

[caption id=”attachment_11625” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Folks, everybody knows that liberals have a long history of good American industries with hurtful names. Sure, these days everybody hates “air pollution” but when I was a kid, we celebrated it as bonus clouds.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11626” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Folks, pink slime is nothing more than good old beef mixed with some not so good older beef. Here”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11627” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I say, far from a chemical soaked, reconstituted hoof and organ slurry, pink slime is actually a delicious, wholesome meal you’d wanna share with a friend. Specifically, your best friend: because up until 2001 it was used only in dog food. Which begs the question, what are we feeding our dogs now and when do I get to eat it?”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11628” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”But just when things looked darkest, the cavalry rode in. I’m talking about The Beefstate Governors. America’s meat men.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11629” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”The beefy three believe the term pink slime is an offensive slur against slurry because it already has a lovely name.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11630” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Yes, LFTB because our beef now has so many hormones it’s a member of the transgendered community. That’s why- (crowd cheers) Yeah. Easy to support”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11631” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”That’s why the Beefstate Govs came up with a catchy new slogan, “Dude It’s Beef!” Nailed it!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11632” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Unless, of course, there is an accident at the processing plant, in which case, “Beef It’s Dude!””][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11633” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”… Red meat’s got a bad name but I don’t see anything in the report about pink slime. So we must reclaim that term the way the gays reclaimed the word queer. Say it now and say it proud! We’re here, its steer, technically. Embrace the name! Forget Dude It’s Beef. From now on, Bro It’s Slime!”][/caption]

Yahweh or No Way - Christian Card Counters, Pope Benedict on Marxism & Pope Cologne

Notable Quotables: 

  • Folks, I do not approve of Los Vegas.  If I’m going to throw away my kid’s college tuition, I will do it the old fashioned way, by encouraging them to major in English.
  • Exactly, Marxism no longer corresponds to reality.  Cuba needs the modern direction provided by a church whose leader is infallible and gets his instructions from a book written by nomadic shepherds between 2,000 and 3,500 years ago.
  • Previously, the Castros had resisted encouraging Christian faith because they were afraid Cubans would follow Christ’s example and walk on water to get to Miami.

[caption id=”attachment_11637” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”As a Roman Catholic, I believe in original sin and I gotta say your sin is totally derivative.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11638” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Just look at your Bible folks, right after the Jews finished building the Luxor Hotel and Casino, God sent Moses to fabulous Mount Sinai for a burning bush floor show.  Where he dealt him a winning hand and told him to lead the Israelites to a barren strip of desert where nothing grows, just like Vegas.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11639” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”And why do you think the Roman’s crucified Jesus? They thought he was to ripping off Caesar’s Palace with his crack crew, Christ 12.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11640” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Next up, Cuba’s communist dictators and Cold War Ben and Jerry, Fidel and Raul Castro recently faced a force more powerful than the cigar aroma wafting from their facial hair.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11641” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”You see, back in 1989 the Pope knelt down on one side of the wall while Gipper pushed the unsuspecting wall right over his back.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11642” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”The Pope is following in Sting and Madonna’s footsteps. I can’t wait for next year’s Super Bowl half time show.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11643” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Guys put on cologne to attract the ladies and El Papa is already smoldering. It’s bad enough he already he’s already got those chick magnate red shoes. Besides he doesn’t need it because Pope Benedict’s miter is already a giant deodorizing cone.”][/caption]

Gary Johnson

My guest tonight is the former governor of New Mexico and an advocate for legalizing marijuana.  Please welcome Gary Johnson!  I’ve never heard my audience cheer so hard for a federal offense.

Stephen: Hey, let’s get high and gay married.  That’s the message?  That’s your message.  That’s your message.

Gov. Johnson: And so the libertarian party is now 40 years old, in a poll three months ago 50% of American’s support legalizing marijuana.  Who, perhaps, is singularly most responsible for that?  Perhaps it the libertarian party, which, initially, kooks.  Today, you know, not so kooky.  Everything that the libertarian party is talking about today, I think, is not kooky at all, it’s really the prescription for what ails America.

Stephen: Okay, so if that’s the case, if that’s the case, you ran as a republican.  Again, your a two term governor of, uh Mexico?

Gov. Johnson: Nuevo Mexico

Stephen: Nuevo, well you say potato I say burrito.

*

Stephen: If you actually get the nomination in Los Vegas, will the nomination stay in Los Vegas? Because that could be a problem, you want to get the word out there.

Gov. Johnson: You hit on it.  We want to get the word out there. We want to be at 15%.  Right now 82% of Americans would consider voting for a third party candidate. Uh, I think the third party is the libertarian party.  The largest segment of American politics today are independents.  So, who’s representing them?

Stephen: Well, Governor, when you’re in Vegas, if you have time remember the words of Jesus, hold on 16 and split your aces.

Sign Off - Goodnight

[caption id=”attachment_11634” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Well, that’s it for The Report everybody, goodnight!”][/caption]

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8077 (March 29 2012)
GUESTS: Peter Beinart
SEGMENTS:  Intro- 3/29/12 | The Mega Millions Lottery | Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack | Mitt Romney Tells a Funny Story | Peter Beinart | Sign-off- Goodnight
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | Light blue shirt | Yellow stripped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 29, 2012


Intro:

Tonight, should college students be political players? Why not, they’re already having sex with interns. Then, Mitt Romney proves he’s just like average Americans by also not being that excited by Mitt Romney. And my guest Peter Beinart has a new book about the future of Israel: Yamaka jetpacks!

Atlantic City has a new slogan, “Do AC”. Meanwhile, Anderson Cooper has a new slogan, “What are you doing? Get off me.”

[caption id=”attachment_11517” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I am not surprised that the people in this room are excited! ”][/caption]

The Mega Millions Lottery

Notable Quotables

  • I certainly hope like me, you’ve got lotto fever. I’ve actually got lotto rash. Let’s just say I’m doing a lot of scratch off.
  • Yes. A computer is just going to give you random numbers but you have a random system.
  • Here’s the secret, a coin has two sides. Always pick heads if it’s a president’s head. Never bet on Sacajawea. The Indians lost the whole continent, they’re not gonna win a coin toss.

[caption id=”attachment_11521” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Tomorrow, folks, is the drawing for the mega millions lottery. $540,000,000! Now to put that into (aside to crowd: arr woo) to put that into perspective, if you laid 540,000,000 dollar bills end to end you would regret it because people would definitely just come and take it.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11522” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”And folks, I’ve got to tell ya, I’ve got the winner right here. Went with my old stand by: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Okay? Same as my bank pin. Oops, you know what, Jimmy? Let’s edit that out. (Jimmy: Can do). Okay, thanks.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11523” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Very important! Numbers that win never win again. Don’t play these numbers or any combination of these numbers. Alright? You wanna think outside the box.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11524” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Instead of these losers try the square root of 2. Pi. Threvin, and while this is a made up number, it has never won.  Which means it’s due.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11525” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Plus, if you let the machine pick and you win, legally you have to split your winnings with it and you know it’s just going to blow it on hookers and coke.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11526” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”This book has been the winning ingredient in two of the last ten Super Bowls.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11528” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Anyway, the point is: call me ABC News. *whispers* Heads!”][/caption]

Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack

Notable Quotables

  • You know our motto: Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow. And one of those two tomorrows may be any day now.
  • Ya hear that, Romney! Put that in your pipe and don’t smoke it because tobacco is strictly forbidden by your religion.
  • Apparently, more Texans respond to my message, “Corporations are people”, than Romney’s message, “Mitt is a person.”

[caption id=”attachment_11535” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”You’d think Wisconsinites would like Rick Santorum given that he’s a wheel of Colby cheese: Not that sharp and holier than thou.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11536” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”According to the Houston Chronicle, more Texans have donated to Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow than to the pro-Romney Super PAC Restore Our Future. Kaboom, boom, boom! Wah! Pa-pa pa-pow! Pa-chow, pa-chow, pa-chow, boo!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11537” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Yeah! Hell, yeah! Once again, once again, folks, of course, the liberal media missed the whole story. I have also brought the issue to mid-morning repeat television.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11538” align=”aligncenter” width=”550” caption=”So folks, considering my influence, it is no surprise at all that I got this actual email from someone named Paul Benefiel, a student at the University of Texas at Austin. The fightin’ only part of Texas that’s liberal!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11539” align=”aligncenter” width=”550” caption=”So, what do you think audience? Should I give my blessing to college students to set up Super PACs, extending the reach of my political tentacles across the campuses of America? Alright, alright! I will assume that your unintelligible shrieks are a yes. I’m gonna do it.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11540” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I want every college across this great nation to have their own, my Super PAC. And they can have it too. Thanks to the Colbert Super PAC, Super Fun Pack! that you can order. All you need is a burning desire for civil engagement and $99.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11541” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Do you really want your loved one’s seeing the Federal Election Commission in your browser history? Awkward!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11542” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Now, your Super PAC can take unlimited donations but your tube socks can only take limited washings. One. Super cheap”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11543” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”To kick off your fundraising, I have included the Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans. Start calling and remember: A restraining order means you’ve got the right number.”][/caption]

Colbert Super PAC Super Fun Pack

[caption id=”attachment_11544” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”So go to ColbertSuperPAC.com and donate $99 to get your Colbert Super PAC Fun Pack and before you know it I’ll be taking no personal or legal responsibility for anything you do. I don’t know who you are. I don’t have a Super PAC or a TV show and my name is Veraldo Givera.”][/caption]

Mitt Romney Tells a Funny Story (More To Come)

Peter Beinart (More to Come)

Sign-off- Goodnight

[caption id=”attachment_11545” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”That’s it for The Report everybody, goodnight!”][/caption]

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8072 (March 15, 2012)
GUESTS: Dexter Filkins
SEGMENTS: Airport Security Loosens Up on the Elderly | Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors | Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart | Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear
SUIT REPORT: Grey Suit | White Shirt | Burgundy / grey striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 15, 2012

We’ve got a whole week to go before “Stephen” can come out and play again *sigh*. We’ll, we may as well make the best of it and in that spirit I present you an Episode Guide that will hopefully prove to be magically delicious!

[caption id=”attachment_11082” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Folks, I gotta tell you, with an opening like that you make me feel like it’s my first night.”][/caption]

Airport Security Loosens Up on the Elderly

Stephen’s gut knows that the Obama adminitraitors are soft on terror and once again the government confirms that he’s gastrointestinally on the right tract. This time they’re giving special privileges to the most devious and feared terrorist sect of all, your nanas and peepops. The new law being tested out allows “Elder Qaeda” to slip through security without slipping off their shoes and light jackets. According to Stephen, it’s a decision that may cost you your life. I say it will definitely save you a bit of time on your next flight.

(Need more? Peepop II)

Notable Quotables

  • Wake up TSA! Old people are powder kegs. Goldbond powder, but still.
  • Now, folks, I have always been suspicious of these geriatric jihadists.
  • It’s only a matter of time before she shoots up a cracker barrel because their lemonade is too damn sweet. What? Did a Spaniard make this?
What? Are they crazy? Have you seen their shoes? Those things could be made entirely of plastic explosives.

[caption id=”attachment_11086” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”They’re disgruntled. They have nothing to lose and they hold extremist views on many groups. I can’t even repeat what my Aunt Rita said at Thanksgiving about “the Spaniards”. Let’s just say we won’t be serving sangria again.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11088” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I say we nip this in the bud and send our elderly to Gitmo. Just tell them it’s Florida, they never go outside anyway. Warning, you’ve been warned.”][/caption]

Rush Limbaugh Loses More Sponsors

Rush Limbaugh just can’t push past the “ad”versity he’s faced over his controversial contraception criticisms andis quickly becoming a charity case. We all know how much he loves those. Luckily, it shouldn’t be too hard for El-Rush-Bo to transition to the status of “social parasite”. Considering all the practice he’s had being an intellectual parasite, one would think he could quickly acclimate himself to a new host.

After all, if he doesn’t like it, he could always give his public a much awaited edition to his previous written works. Tell the true story of how he found himself caught in the mouse trap of the Obama administration. Of course, Fluke would have a staring role as the cheese. He’d have to have a catchy title though, just like his previous literary endeavors. I know, he could call it, “See, I Called Her Ho because That’s the Way She Ought to Be.”

Notable Quotables

  • Radio host and tater tot in casual wear, Rush Limbaugh.
  • Rush: Now, how can I be anti-woman? I even judged the Miss America pageant. Stephen: Yes! What more does he have to do, judge Playmate of the Year?
  • Plus, Rush is just exercising his right to free speech and while it is shocking that Rush would exercise anything, this is America!

Nation, there is an issue that has become a cudgel against the republicans in this campaign, it’s contraception and I’m tired of talking about it so instead, I’m going to mime about it.

[caption id=”attachment_11105” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Yes, the Army is pulling out of Rush.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11104” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Meanwhile, they’re staying in Afghanistan to negotiate with the Taliban who evidentially have a better track record on women’s issues.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11103” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Things have gotten so bad, folks, Rush may have to start a pledge drive. So ladies, donate now and you will get this free tote bag to put all your slut stuff in for the walk of shame.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11107” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty. Unless she’s on the pill, in which case, she is a giant, green, tramp. Oh, she’ll lift her lamp and open her golden door for anybody. Your tired, your poor and not just one on one, she’ll take on huddled masses. Everybody line up for a peek under her toga.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11108” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”She’s a pawn! I mean, what’s the alternative? That a thirty year old woman had her own thoughts and feelings about reproductive rights? Come on, what do you take me for? A girl?”][/caption]

Rick Santorum Thinks Puerto Rico Should Speak English and Speaks from His Heart

The GOP is so good at alienating minorities they may have actually turned it into a science. If they believed in scientific things, that is. Who needs facts and provable results when you have gut thoughts and heart speech, right Nation? Santorum has definitely refined his own Rickiness (a truth that Rick feels in his heart, rather than knowing it with his brain). For Mitt’s part, well, let’s not worry about Mitt. Who needs votes when you have money?

Notable Quotables

  • Rick’s formula is simple: you speak English, you become a state. I don’t know what’s taking D.C. so long.
  • Now, Santorum is just reminding Puerto Ricans that to be in, quote, “… compliance with… federal law… English needs to be the principal language” and sure, there is no such federal law but it sure feels like there is.
  • He’s gonna tell voters in Wisconsin to “lay off the cheese, fatty.” And voters in Louisiana to “speaka de Engliss”.

[caption id=”attachment_11112” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”The inevitable nominee, Mitt Rominee, appeared on FOX News to reiterate his campaign’s core message of hope. Mitt: I made a lot of money. Stephen: …Now that is a guy I would like to have a beer company with.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11111” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Folks, it takes serious cajones to go to Puerto Rico and tell them to stop saying cajones.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_608” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Now I know, Puerto Ricans have been speaking Spanish or as my Aunt Rita calls it, “taco talk,” since 1508 but come on!”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11115” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Evidently, Santorum’s comments about the Netherlands were yanked out of his nether parts but that doesn’t matter…”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11116” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”It’s just a matter of what’s in his heart and in Rick Santorum’s heart Dutch doctors push old people in wheel chairs up to windmills and let the blades chop their heads off. And then grind them into a paste and use that paste to plug cracks in the dykes. And turn their skulls into wooden shoes. The point is, as long as it is in your heart, it is true.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_607” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Rick Santorum, you keep speaking what’s in your heart, as long as it’s in English and I am sure you’ll get the nomination or at least, feel like you have.”][/caption]

Nation, your fearless leader has spoken! Make sure you tweet what’s in your heart regarding Rick Santorum and be sure to use the hashtag: #inmyheart

Ireland’s Imported Sperm and Ethnically Accurate Headgear

The Emerald Isle’s sperm banks are Erin go broke due to Danish duplicity (and a lack of legal Irish wankers). An Irish whiskey *coughs: Jameson* gifts Stephen with a St. Patty’s Day surprise that takes him back to his drunken Amish roots. The luck of the Irish saves a bottle of Jewish wine and Stephen celebrates with the Old Country tradition of stabbing an Englishman in the neck.

Notable Quotables

  • Nation, check your calendar everybody. This Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day and to get in the spirit, I have filled the studio with poisonous snakes. So I can drive them out like St. Patrick. Don’t worry audience, they never come out unless there’s a loud noise; like cheering or clapping or chanting my name.
  • Me Ireland.
  • At last an Irish product is respectfully representing my people, as drunken… Amish?

[caption id=”attachment_11134” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”The Irish import all their sperm from Denmark rather than produce their own because of their “lack of regulation for donating sperm…” and because in Ireland, no one’s allowed to move their hands.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11135” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I’m not gonna sit here while Erin’s Isle needs me, that’s why I’m proud to introduce my own line of premium man seed for the Irish market, Stephen Colbert’s Formula 40’1, fresh from my blarney stones.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11136” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Tip o’ the morning to ya. The tip, of course, the most sensitive part o’ the morning.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11137” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”This weekend I will be tearing it up at the local traditional Irish pundit gathering at O’Hanrahan’s. I play the boran, Hannity plays the tin whistle, O’Reilly step dances, and Chris Matthew is on the potato. ”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11142” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Now, I always wrestle with how to honor the old sod on St. Patrick’s Day but this year it’ll be easy. Thanks to a special package that I received from an actual Irish whiskey company, who shall remain nameless because there was no cash in the bag. No free rides.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11138” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”They also included this, uh, authentic Irish cultural garment… Finally, someone treating the Irish with dignity.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11133” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”In fact, I was so inspired that I prepared a whole line of ethnically accurate headgear for the holidays. If the good people at Manischewitz are watching right now, might I recommend this year sending out this Passover party hat. Why is this hat different from all other hats? Because, it is in no way offensive.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11141” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”If you’ll excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to indulge in some of my traditional foods from my homeland. Bowl of Lucky Charms and of course, some fresh cut Irish Spring. Oh, the spirit of the season! And then I’m going to stab an Englishman in the neck.”][/caption]

Dexter Filkins

[caption id=”attachment_11151” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”My guest tonight has been called the premier combat journalist of his generation and he’s about to meet the premier combat avoider of any generation.”][/caption]

Stephen: Does it ever occur to you, “I work at the New Yorker, why don’t I just do movie reviews?” Or draw the cartoons about the psychiatrists’ dogs.

Dexter: I’ve thought about that, I’ve thought about that.

Stephen: Yes? Now, um, Assad in Syria is crushing the resistance of his people right now and um, last month two journalists, Marie Colvin and Anthony Shadid died covering that war. Um, Anthony Shadid has a recent book called, House of Stone: A Memoir of Home, Family, and a Lost Middle East (also available in paperback). Why do people like you and Colvin and Shadid, why do you go do it? Because, as Americans, isn’t it suspicious that you even care about other countries? What is it that draws you? I mean there’s a war on women here, why not cover that?

Dexter: You just said it, I mean, if you take Syria, um, I mean here’s a government that is not elected and they are… waging war against their population. They are shelling cities, they’ve killed at least 7,000 people so far. They’ve tortured people, they’ve arrested people, um, and what they want more than anything is, they want to be able to operate in secret. They don’t want the rest of the world to know and so, when people like Anthony and Marie were doing, they were both friends, is they just wanted to get in and talk to people and talk to real people and find out what was happening and then get out and tell the rest of the world.

***

Stephen: Do you ever hope that a war would break out in, like Fiji?

Dexter: Yeah, I have to say, the first war zone I ever went to was Sri Lanka and, this island in the Indian Ocean, and it’s, you know, I haven’t been to Fiji but Sri Lanka’s extraordinary. For instance, I remember one time, I went to, I covered this kind of a scene of a massacre, um, and I went back to my hotel. Which was right on this beautiful beach, uh, in this gorgeous harbor and I had lobster that night for dinner…

***

Stephen: You know what? You know, I’ve been doing coverage of the entire world, uh, from the inside of a studio for years and if I can recommend something, I have a green screen over there. You just stand in front of it and you put a picture behind you and everyone believes that you’re in the Middle East. And one, one kind of, like burned out sandy photo behind you turns into everything from Morocco to Pakistan.

Dexter: Yeah.

Stephen: It’s a penny pincher.

Dexter: Well, I mean, kind of. True, true. I mean, a lot of people would agree with you and a lot of them, unfortunately, control the budgets of a lot of news rooms but what you find when you, you know, it’s easy from afar to look and say, you know, the Muslim world: Morocco all the way to Indonesia and say “they’re all the same.”

Stephen: That’s what I say. And it’s extremely easy, you’re right. It’s enjoyable.

Sign Off- Goodnight

[caption id=”attachment_11093” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”That’s it for The Report, we’re off this week.  Goodnight!”][/caption]

Happy St. Patrick’s Day Hubsters!!

EPISODE: 8071 (March 13, 2012)
GUEST: Mark McKinnon
SEGMENTS: Stephen Disapproves of Greg Smith’s Goldman Sachs Op-Ed | Indecision 2012 - Republican Southern Primary - Rick Santorum Wins Two States and Condemns Teleprompters | Indecision 2012 - Republican Southern Primary - Kermit the Frog | Monkey on the Lam - Alabama
SPECIAL GUEST: Kermit the Frog
SUIT REPORT: Dark suit | White shirt | Navy/purple stripped tie
VIDEOS: Wednesday, March 14, 2012

[caption id=”attachment_11072” align=”aligncenter” width=”560” caption=”Just because Lloyd once said ‘Goldman Sachs is doing “God’s Work”’. And it is. He just didn’t say which God. Maybe it was Shiva ‘Lord of Destruction’.”]Stephen Colbert on Goldman Sachs[/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11073” align=”aligncenter” width=”560” caption=”Long slow and painful. Thank you Jesus. Ah, this is great. This is great. The Democrats had the same situation when they won last time in 2008. Now Republicans get that Hillary vs. Obama magic … minus any women or black people … or magic …”]Hillary vs. Obama magic[/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_11074” align=”aligncenter” width=”560” caption=”I reject all pre-written words. That’s why I’m against reading books. I mean books are a lie. When I read the words make thought sounds in my head, like I’m thinking them. “]Stephen Colbert on Books[/caption]

[caption id=”” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Graphic By: paperfacesonparade”]Stephen Colbert Teleprompter[/caption]

Stephen Colbert and Kermit the Frog

That’s it for now folks. Will have the rest up tonight.

EPISODE: 8070 (March 13, 2012)
GUEST: Andrew Bird
SEGMENTS: Whos’ not Honoring Me Now? Seattle’s Pop Conference | Threatdown-Stoned Pat Robertson, Muslim-American Reality TV and Pampered Bears |Indecision 2012-Republican Southern Primary-Simplified Speeches
SUIT REPORT: Black suit jacket | White Dress shirt | Yellow tie with blue stripes
VIDEOS: Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I was so thrilled to see the story about bears exfoliating, because I read about that and immediately thought it was great material for the next threatdown. Also, Pat Robertson? WOW, I mean, WOW! Never thought I’d see the day.

I was also thrilled to realize that I am missing out on the Seattle Pop Conference. I mean, oh what a shame I have to miss the Seattle Pop Conference. I may never get to hear “I Love a Pride Parade: Queer Community Building, Temporary Spaces and Politicized Kitsch among LGBT marching bands”. I will try to go on.

Seriously, did Rick Santorum really say that??? I have to believe that Obama will win by default in November. None of those guys deserves the nomination.

I was pleasantly surprised with Andrew Bird’s music. I heard some of it for the first time yesterday and didn’t think I would like his songs, but it was good. That unnamed writer’s story was charming and now the speculation begins…I’m gonna guess Dr Eichler?

I thought I might do something a tad different and start off with a glorious “We can see behind Stephen’s desk” opening shot. I love it when they do those. It’s fun to try to see what he has back there.

Quotes:

"Of course, I was into LGBT marching bands way before their kitsch became politicized in temporary spaces."

"It’s time for my award-lacking segment, ‘Who’s Not Honoring Me Now?’"

Stephen’s rejected paper:

"Self Love in an elevator: Appalonian images of Hedonism, Eroticism and the Mechanized Urban Lanscape of Post-Comeback Aerosmith"

"They said that my ontology was false and they couldn’t hear a single"

Pat Robertson, “self-deflating mylar balloon”.

"It is so sad when an old man begins to find his mind. Pat is showing all the signs of age-related ‘mentia".

"We must stop Pat before the 700 Club becomes the 4:20 Club"

"He’s Persian Perfection, I love him, you think this is easy…What am I doing? Snap out of it Col-berT"

"Bears have gone metrosexual"

"I like to eat y’all’s cheesy grits"

"Everybody knows that before factories and cars, earth had no vegetation, that’s why they’re called ‘plants’"

Stephen:”You’ve played at renaissance fairs and funerals.”

Andrew: “Yes.”

Stephen: “Which is sadder?”

Now for the eye candy:

From the bonus song:

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8070 (March 12, 2012)
GUESTS: Katherine Boo
SPECIAL GUEST: Dave “Mudcat” Saunders
SEGMENTS: Daylight Savings Socialism | Indecision 2012 - Republican’s Southern Strategy | Indecision 2012 - Dave “Mudcat” Saunders | Cheating Death – Bacon Cure for Nosebleeds and Brain Wave Sterility | Sign-Off
SUIT REPORT: Gray Suit | Powder Blue Shirt | Navy patterned tie
VIDEOS: Monday, March 12, 2012

Check out the following eye candy, I mean, highlights, from last night’s show until I can post a full episode guide. Our old friend Cheating Death was back baby! Please enjoy responsibly.

[UPDATED]

Tonight’s episode was a sheerly delightful treatise on good ol’ southern pandering, with Stephen speaking in a southern accent (why is that so strange, he is, after all southern) for several minutes. We also were treated to the return of Cheating Death, which exposed us to the holistic benefits of bacon (in various orifices), and new exciting advances in male contraception that may stop your sperm - but also swell your ears. The rhythm’s gonna getcha!

I thought both guests, Dave “Mudcat” Saunders, and Katherine Boo were interesting and well chosen for their respective topics. Ms. Boo wasn’t the warmest guest we’ve had, but she held her own with Stephen fairly well - we have to remember, not everyone is as well-matched for his in-your-face style. I often imagine how intimidating it must be for guests on TCR, particularly those who are not as familiar with the show as we are.

What did you think about the episode? Do share your thoughts in the comments.

Daylight Savings Socialism

[caption id=”attachment_11005” align=”alignnone” width=”530” caption=”“I refuse to bow to the Chrono-Nazis and their Daylight Savings Time. No Washington-bureaucrat tells me how to adjust to the tilt of the earth’s axis. This is just Barack Obama stealing an hour of my life, to redistribute it to poor people. “”][/caption]

Yeah, I clap when I am angry too.

I know they say you earn that hour back in the fall, but who’s earning the interest on that hour in the meantime? The unions, that’s who. How do they get those lunch breaks?

So I am not going to sit here and talk into this camera, I am going to sit here and talk into this camera.

Indecision 2012 - Republican’s Southern Strategy

[caption id=”attachment_561” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Everybody knows I am a loyal son of the south. You can tell by my thick Southern accent and, of course, the parasol I carry to protect me from the noon day sun. Or else, I do declare, I would get a brain fever.”][/caption]

And I am delighted to say that we have three very handsome gentlemen-callers, along with that nice old man who keeps promising us gold.

How can I resist a Georgia peach like Newt Gingrich? He’s a southerner, born and raised, except for where he was born and raised.

[caption id=”attachment_11010” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“And Mitt Romney, also exists.” (And processes carbon!)”][/caption]

And Mitt has just received the endorsement of the preeminent of southern culture, the heir of William Faulkner, Mr. Jeff Foxworthy. James?

Now if you’re a multi-millionaire entertainer, supporting the candidacy of a wealthy financier from Massachusetts, you might no longer be a redneck.

[caption id=”attachment_11007” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Yes, strange things are happening to him, because becoming a southerner is a lot like puberty: your voice changes, and your testicles secede from the North.”“][/caption]

But Newt Gingrich wasn’t going to take that grits comment lying down, although, from the looks of him, he has eaten grits lyin’ down.

Oh, Newt has thrown the chitlin’ down. But I am sure that Mitt will pick it up because he is not aware that chitlins are hog intestines.

Indecision 2012 - Dave “Mudcat” Saunders

[caption id=”attachment_11008” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”Timeless Southern Pastime: Doin’ a segment and packin’ heat.”][/caption]

Mudcat: I always heard that South Carolina was too small to be a country, and too big to be a mental institution.

There is some truth to that.

What do southerners care about, how can [the candidates] reach them?

Mudcat: Fight, sing, drink, pray.

That sounds like a good party.

Where are my manners! Would you like a gun?

Mudcat: I love guns.

Can southerners tell when people are pandering to them in fake ways?

How did Nixon turn the South fully Republican?

Mudcat: I think the Southern strategy was smart, but what I think it really boiled down to was 1980, Lee Atwater. God, guns, and gays, is where it went.

In the South, we still love our God, we still love our guns, and being gay isn’t at the top of our list. There aren’t a lot of big prominent gay Republicans in the South, unless Newt’s got an announcement to make, which would shock all three of his wives.

When people are pandering to Southerners, are there things politicians shouldn’t do? (Rifle wobbles) Excuse me. Can you go too far in pandering to Southern people?

Mudcat: Without question, without question.

Mudcat: If [Romney} doesn’t win Florida, he can’ t beat Obama. If he can’t take Florida, you and I both know, if you’re looking for rednecks, by God the Riviera Hilton full of them.

Florida is the Mecca of rednecks. No offense to Mecca.

[caption id=”attachment_11021” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”Stephen has demonstrated, it is possible to look pensive while holding a huge rifle. “][/caption]

Cheating Death – Bacon Cure for Nosebleeds and Brain Wave Sterility

[caption id=”attachment_562” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”NEW Cheating Death Intro: There’s the queen, there’s the girl. Where’s the pretty lady? Oh, that’s a two my friend… Oh!”][/caption]

A quick disclaimer: I am not a medical doctor, I am doctor of Fine Arts, which is why after I perform surgery, most people say, my five year old could have done that.

Prescott Pharamceuticals: Quality drugs since 1989. Established, 1910.

I read it for the hot oscicles on cochlea action.

[caption id=”attachment_11019” align=”alignnone” width=”530” caption=”“That’s right, the hero once again, is life saving bacon. I assume the technique was discovered when someone was shoving bacon into every available hole. “”][/caption]
Yes, all of the best medical ideas come from the early 1900s. That’s why I treat my dropsy with “Dr. Arbuckle’s Suspension of Cocaine in Tincture of Cocaine.” Dr. Arbuckle’s: “Come for the cocaine, stay for the cocaine.” ™

[caption id=”attachment_11018” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”Pitchman: “It’s pure cured ham, so ladies, you’ll feel as fresh as a spring day behind a deli counter. And it’s so comfortable, whether you are running, hiking, or fleeing a pack of dogs. “”][/caption]

Besides, if you want to avoid getting pregnant there is only one surefire way: be a man. (Crosses fingers.) I haven’ gotten my period in a while.

Contraceptives for rats, really? What happened to rat abstinence education? You can have a perfectly good time by stopping at rat third base: wallowing in feces.

Junk canceling headphones, then you are ready to rock out with your c@&k out.

[caption id=”attachment_11020” align=”alignnone” width=”530” caption=”Rock out! My favorite: “Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag…but It’s Empty.”“][/caption]

Side effects include Norweigan Wood, Chubiwumbas, and Scrotal Eclipse of the Heart.

Interview

What’s an undercity?

Katherine Boo: It’s a place that’s increasingly hard to see these days, and low income communities, like the slums of Mumbai, like many neighborhoods in our country-

Why don’t we see them?

KB: Because you’re in your gated community.

I am in my gated community.

KB: You’ve got your tinted windows.

I wear sunglasses that have mirrors on the inside.

When you spend three years living with people who by our standards are abjectly poor, what does America look like to you when you come back?

KB: It looks incredibly fixable-

America’s fixable?

KB: Yeah! And also, you turn on the tap, and you go, ‘Oh my God, potable water. That’s amazing.’ Yeah. I come back here and I think, if we were really serious about fixing poverty, we could do so in, like, half a second.

KB: [Indian society] is a society in which corruption takes so much opportunity from the poor, that in itself it becomes one of the opportunities that remain.

KB: I think this is incredibly cool work to do, because I get to spend time with people who are doing interesting things, and people whom I find inspiring on so many levels.

Sign Off

[caption id=”attachment_563” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”That’s it for the Report everybody, Good Night!”][/caption]

Thanks to Kris for her help in assembling some content for this guide.

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8069 (March 8, 2012)
GUESTS: Don Fleming | Emmylou Harris | Elvis Costello
SEGMENTS: Eric Bolling’s Secret Gas Prices Plan | Herman Cain’s Avant-Garde PAC Ad | Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris | Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris - “Good Old Mountain Dew” | Exclusive - Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris - “Goodnight, Irene”
SUIT REPORT: Black suit | White Shirt | Yellow and black diagonal striped tie
VIDEOS: Thursday, March 8, 2012

Eric Bolling’s Secret Gas Prices Plan

Eric Bolling knows how to save everyone a dollar a gallon on gas but he’s holding the information hostage in a manila envelope. His demand: “President Obama, call me sometime. Oh, and since I have such little faith in the American government that I don’t believe the president of the country; with the resources of both the CIA and the FBI at his disposal will be able to find me, here’s my number. Did I just give that out on national television? Ooops.”

By the way, I don’t know whose number it was that Stephen gave out on the show but I can tell you this: they are a Verizon customer and their number has been temporarily disconnected.

Notable Quotables:

  • That’s right! A secret plan in a manila envelope to lower the price of a gallon of gas by a dollar What’s he got in there? Could it be a dollar?
  • I have to know what Bolling’s plan is! But he said only the President could call. Now, of course, he didn’t specify president of what. I happen to president of a Super PAC… and I am also the president in exile of the Justin Bieber-belieber fan club. I will have my revenge Shelly, you backstabbing she-viper!

[caption id=”attachment_10832” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Last week I had to cancel my annual lawn fire, where I write out my spring time resolutions in gasoline on my lawn. It’s too bad; this year’s resolution was going to be to conserve more gas.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10833” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”I want Obama to call me too! Look, sir. President Obama, I’ve got a plan to eliminate the debt. And, and, and I’ve gotta plan to invade and defeat Iran in three days. And I’ve got, I’ve got, uh, these are the results of some blood tests. And this is some poetry from college. And this, this, this is my plan to organize my manila envelopes.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10834” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Hello Eric Bolling, it’s Barack Obama calling. I’m just here in the oval office, stroking my pet white person. Thinking of ways to destroy America with contraception. What if we put the Lady Liberty on the pill? Yes! Yes! Oh, Eric Bolling if you only knew the things I was planning to do with the oil market. Listen, Eric, I really want these plans you have… I want you to stitch them onto American flag and then burn it. And then I’ll inhale the vapors and know what your plan is. Seriously, call me.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10835” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Call me at this number Eric. Remember, only Eric Bolling should use this number. It’s my direct line and I pick it up every time someone calls. Of course, there is this little game I play where I pretend it’s not my number but don’t give up! It’s just to throw the Non-Eric Bollings off the scent.”][/caption]

Herman Cain’s Avant-Garde PAC Ad

Herman Cain is so Avant-garde he doesn’t even know it and his new ad is pumping the life blood back into his political corpse. Much like throwing a glass of H2O on a fish out of water: It’s temporary and painful to see. Never to be outdone by his brother from another mother, Stephen creates an ad that PACs a punch straight to your gut. That is where your thoughts come from, right?

Notable Quotables:

  • I’ve always respected Cain. From his 9-9-9 tax plan to his bold vision of quoting Pokemon to letting his campaign be run by the savviest of highway drifters.
  • Spoiler alert, it is a Hermasterpiece.
  • I was so inspired by Cain’s art-attack or arttack ad, that I chugged a bottle of Robitussin, punched myself in the temple with a porcelain cow creamer and made an Avant-garde ad of my own. About all the things we forgot we used to be mad about. Jim, let’s shatter some paradigms.

[caption id=”attachment_10852” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”He’s my brother from another mother. My sister from another mister. My uncle Chucky from another aaawww, shucky ducky.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10853” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”… Cain knows the Avant-garde is about confronting preconceived bourgeois notions of political messaging. In this case: the violent reminder that the stimulus, which no one has really talked about for a year, happened. The goldfish is a metaphor for our economy, caught in the grip of a capricious and cruel universe represented by the little girl, a ferocious fragility in the barren landscape of decay. Toying with life’s duality, as both critic and criminal. And I got all of that from her bangs.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10854” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Finally. Finally, in a Salterian denouement of nothingness, Cain stands on a grassy ledge overlooking the eighteenth hole of madness. Of course, that’s just one interpretation. Another could be that his campaign manager has switched what he’s smoking.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10855” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”This is the economy on regulations… This is contraception… This is the auto bailout… This is gay marriage.”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10856” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Van Jones… The Mexican border… Socialism… This is grandma in a dystopian future. Any questions?”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10857” align=”aligncenter” width=”550” caption=”Any questions? Ew, gross! He’s peeing.”][/caption]

Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris

[caption id=”attachment_10859” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”My guests tonight are here to talk about the folk music legacy of Alan Lomax. Not to be confused with the tree saving legacy of Alan Lorax.”][/caption]

Stephen: …I think of folk music as poor people music, right?.. It like the Mexican food of music. It’s for poor people right?

Emmylou: Well, it’s music that doesn’t make much money. They used to have a category in the Grammy’s, you know, uh, contemporary folk. Good records that don’t sell.

***

Stephen: What does it cost?

Don: It doesn’t cost anything, you just go in there-

Stephen: So you’re keeping up the tradition of folk artists not making any money? For a new generation, they will learn the pure folk art.

***

Stephen: …Elvis, were you influenced by anything that Lomax recorded?

Elvis: Well, I-I didn’t know the songs always directly from Lomax because I grew up in England. That’s where those old, dusty songs came from. I actually had to hear the way that they were done by American artists before I got interested in them. Because some of them were just, they were songs sung by men in cable knit sweaters about whale fishing and things like that.

Stephen: Whaling songs! Everybody, young people love whaling songs.

Nottamun Town-Jean Ritchie

Masters of War- Bob Dylan

Go to sleep little baby. Go to sleep little baby.

Mama’s gone away and Daddy’s gone to stay.

Leave nobody but the baby.

Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris - “Good Old Mountain Dew”

There’s an ol’ holler tree down the road here from me
Where you lay down a dollar or two.
You go round the bend, when you come back again
There’s a jug full of mountain dew.


Well, they call it that (good) ole mountain dew
And them that refuse it are few.
I’ll shut up my mug, if you fill up my jug
With that good old mountain dew.

Well, my ole aunt Jill bought some new perfume
And it had such a sweet smellin’ pew.
But to her surprise when she had it analyzed
It was nothin’ but good ole mountain dew.

Well, they call it that good ole mountain dew
And them that refuse it are few.
I’ll shut up my mug, if you fill up my jug
With that good ole mountain dew.

Well, my brother Bill’s got a still on the hill
Where he runs off a gallon or two.
And the buzzards in the sky get so drunk they can’t fly
From smellin’ that ole mountain dew.

Well, they call it that good ole mountain dew
And them that refuse it are few.
Well, I’ll shut up my mug if you fill up my jug
With that good ole mountain dew.

Well, I’ll shut up my mug, if you fill up my jug with that good ole mountain dew.

Sign Off - Don Fleming, Elvis Costello & Emmylou Harris - “Goodnight, Irene”

[caption id=”attachment_10849” align=”aligncenter” width=”500” caption=”Goodnight Irene, goodnight Irene. I’ll see you in my dreams…”][/caption]

The Colbert Report Episode GuideEPISODE NUMBER: 8068 (March 7, 2012)
GUESTS: Willem Dafoe
SEGMENTS: Intro | Higgs Boson Humor| Indecision 2012 -Countdown to Loving Mitt- Super Tuesday Results | Indecision 2012 - Cyber Republican Debate | Iranian Irony Debate Sign Off
SUIT REPORT: Black Suit | White Shirt | Purple, spotted tie (my fav color on the Stephen)
VIDEOS: Wednesday, March 7, 2012


[caption id=”attachment_10798” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”Stephen can delay his love for Mitt as the primary drags onward, with no clear winner yet apparent….”][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10800” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”….but this leads to fantastical exploration of an open convention in late summer 2012.”][/caption]

Intro

Tonight! The results of Super Tuesday, as well as a preview of Meh… Saturday.

And should we go to war with Iran? I’ll look at the pros, and the positives.

Then, my guest, Willem Dafoe, has a new movie about war on Mars. I didn’t know Mars had oil!

Happy 100th birthday, Oreos! In your honor, I am eating 100 oreos today; same as every day.

Higgs Boson Humor

I cannot stop your love anymore than I can stop the incoming tide.

I have been committed to bringing you up-to-the-minute news on the large Hadron collider. I have done countless story on this.

I read it in today’s The New York Times, whose continued existence is also purely theoretical.

[caption id=”attachment_10812” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”” It’s funny, because two independent particle accelerators had correlating bumps in their data sets.”“][/caption]

Indecision 2012 -Countdown to Loving Mitt- Super Tuesday Results

Speaking of not really being there, Mitt Romney.

Last night was Super Tuesday, a 10 state primary orgy, a big, sweaty pile of lever-yanking Republican voters. And, like most orgies, it involves a bunch of middle aged guys who are not appealing to women.

Now, I must say, at his age and weight, it is impressive that Newt Gingrich can maintain an election.

Bring down the ‘Countdown to Loving Mitt’ Clock. Oh no, 2 minutes, 45 seconds - Really? Aren’t I supposed to get a last meal first? Im scared!

Grow up ColberT, everyone has to compromise, except anyone in Congress.

Knock Out Punch, by the way, is what Rush Limbaugh slips his dates.

[caption id=”attachment_10815” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“I’ve got to cut one of the wires, but which one? The white wire, the off-white wire, or the beige wire? For some reason none of these wires are exciting me! If only one of them appealed to Latinos! Here’s goes nothing!”“][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10816” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“@#$%! Ok, let me twist these back together…”“][/caption]

No Republican has ever one the Presidency without carrying the Virgin Islands, just like no Democrat has ever one without carrying the slut peninsula.

Yes, Sarah Palin would never close a door, because there might be a camera behind it.

Or the iPad 3…I know I’d love to have him on the show. (does *grabby hands*)

[caption id=”attachment_10814” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“A brokered convention would be a gripping spectacle, as CNN proved last night, using virtual reality. “”][/caption]

Finally, budget-strapped cable news can use thousands of hours of digital rendering, to avoid the crippling expense of balloons.

And with virtual reality, I don’t have to accept Romney as the nominee. I can visit a convention where our choices are only limited by our imagination.

That is why I have developed my own cyber-convention, it is called Stephen Colbert’s Virtual Conservagoggles ™. With matching Republagove ™

Nation, would you like to join me on a voyage to the late summer of 2012?

Conservagoggles, engage!

[caption id=”attachment_10821” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Make sweet love to me, Patricia Heaton. Don’t worry, I’m not using contraception!”“][/caption]

It’s an open virtual convention where anything is possible, wait! They’re announcing the nominee, it’s…it’s…..

[caption id=”attachment_10813” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“It’s…Mitt Romney, s@#t.”“][/caption]

Iranian Irony Debate

[Tonight’s] threat comes from the Axis of Evil, and it’s just as evil and axis-y as ever.

[caption id=”attachment_10819” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“Tonight evil comes from….Iran!”“][/caption]

War is already percolating, and much like coffee it will be hot, overpriced, and keep us up at night.

At issue is Iran’s nuclear program, which is weeks away from being just years away from building a bomb.

We might be going to war, and unlike every other war we have fought, this one might get complicated.

[caption id=”attachment_10822” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”“This T-shirt presents two dangerous scenarios. One, what if that guy does love America, and Toby Keith? Knowing that might prevent us from putting a boot up his ass.”“][/caption]

[caption id=”attachment_10820” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”Viciously Brutal Evil Dictator (and Glen Miller Fan.)”][/caption]

He could be just be a hipster, wearing that T-shirt ironically. After all,that’s where irony comes from, Iran.

He is turning this into a farce, in Farsi.

Now they could be hiding [Iran’s intentions] under a thick layer of sarcasm.

[caption id=”attachment_10823” align=”alignnone” width=”525” caption=”The Secret Hipster Alliance”][/caption]

Hipster: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go ‘wipe Israel off the map.’

SC: Are you really going to do that?

Hipster: Uh, I’m wearing the T-shirt, so..

SC: Ok, Israel, the threat is real. From now on your problem is not going to be suicide vests, it’s going to be suicide skinny jeans. (CN’s note: I think skinny jeans are everyone’s problem already. Must be stopped!)

Interview

My guest tonight stars in John Carter, a new sci-fi movie about a Civil War soldier who goes to Mars. I knew the Civil War wasn’t about slavery. Please welcome Willem Dafoe!

SC: Last Temptation of Christ: you are not forgiven, ok? If you are here for forgiveness, you don’t have it. A lot of people still mad at you for that one?

WD: Um, last time I checked, it kinda goes away.

SC: Not here. Like most Christians, I hold a grudge.

****

WD: For this [movie], we actually filmed all the scenes-

SC: On Mars?

WD: Yeah, Utah-Mars.

SC: Ok, hard to tell the difference.

WD: They are amazingly similar.

****

WD: The other interesting thing, to me anyway, was stilts. I had to wear stilts to be the right height.

SC: So you were actually wearing stilts to make you nine feet tall, which is incredible…you could play Uncle Sam in a parade now.

Sign Off